Sunday, 13 April 2014

Tomorrow is another day

Disclaimer: It's not going to be one of those interesting reads. So I might disappoint my regular  readers and I might completely turn-off my prospective readers. I am posting anyway because while writing the same, I felt a little relieved. And if I find some others sailing on the same boat, I might feel even better. 

I don't want to get married. No, no one is forcing me into marriage. Suddenly everything seems so blurred. Or may be I'd never want to get married. May be because to me that seems like the end of my world. It could be because I think no one is going to take my dreams as seriously as I do. I mean, I don't have one single dream. I have a string of them hanging in front of me, almost all the time. I keep adding more dreams to that invisible string. It might not have as much value to the one I'd be marrying. Or may be it would. But I strongly believe that it won't. And no one would want to marry a moron who keeps oscillating between dreams and reality every now and then. I think I am running out of time. I am getting old. It's going to be my 25th year. That's an ideal age to get married. Or may be in an year or so, I'd be almost touching ideal age. So basically I have maximum two years or may be three. I am almost on the verge of losing my job. Nothing tragic there, just that my school suddenly decides to stop teaching French and go on with Sanskrit. That's foolish but who would want to argue. It's going to be in May. No one marries an unemployed girl these days. So in a way, No job is a happy state. And, if I manage to stay this way for another one year, I might postpone the marriage thing. I am not going to France either. An outright rejection would have been an excellent thing. But God felt like making it a lot more miserable for me and hence he put me on the wait list number 4. So I don't stop dreaming about it. It's a silly hope I am living in these days that I might make it. But let's face it no one drops a 'paid trip to France for 7 months' just like that. I know freelance writing and online french language trainings that I am giving these days is a good part of it all.  So I'd rather not crib about it. But it's true that I am running out of time and I haven't yet managed to do a lot of things for my family, for the society and for myself. I want to start an NGO someday. I want to travel a lot with strangers into unknown terrains. I also want to open my own cafe someday where I'll give French classes in the morning, turn it into a chilled out library in the afternoon and do lots of theatre in the evenings. I want to do my M.Phil in French and also want to pick up another foreign language. I also want to learn Urdu in a better way. I want to publish my own poetry book and also want to publish my long pending novel sitting in the hills. I wish to play violin for one of the plays in Roobaroo. I want to learn salsa and kathak too. I want to do a lot. I am running out of time now. I don't know how this kind of indecisiveness would be perceived. So marriage is going to be a scary business.

I don't have much time left, only THREE YEARS. Or let's say TWO YEARS. I'll start with my NGO initiative in a week or two now. I am ready with the content part and some 'start-up' strategies  too. So it'll be up & running shortly. This year, post May, I'll engage in a lot of travels. Anyone planning a travel anytime soon should take me along. I don't have a lot of money saved in the banks so I'd prefer a budget travel of course. Third target for this month would be to compile my poems and publish an e-book sometime soon. Fourth and the most important one would be to fill-up applications for higher education in french from France. It's due in November. If that workout somehow, life would seem a lot easier. That ways I'd be off to France for two years. So that's what's happening in the mind right now. Too much to do and too less time.  


  1. Priyanka, You won't believe it, I know you would not, but I would still say this. I have been fighting the same thought. For really long. Not married yet. It scares me to death. It does. And when I see married girls and their lives, maybe they are happy, but I would cheat on myself big time if I say I would be remotely happy in their shoes.

    At first, the thought scared me, being alone all my life. Well it does not scare me anymore. Nothing is certain in life. So what is the point in taking a decision based on fear? I don't know what I am writing here. All I know is that for the last 7-8 years, my head has not let me take the plunge.

  2. We should do as we please. Marriage, like any other sort of commitment has its own highs and lows but it should not be something age specific. Plus, I haven't seen a lot of happy marriages around either. So my fear of marriage is growing by the day. Especially because I find myself too confused yet too ambitious to get into the marriage business. Some day, may be, some day, we'll our minds will change and we'll open ourselves up for various happy perspectives on marriage and relationships. But we don't have time to think about it right now. We'll think think about it tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day.

    P.S: If you happen to be in/around Rohini sometime, do let me know. I am sure it'll be lot more fun to see you and talk to you in-person. :)


  3. a free bird is a free bird, always! certain changes can cause momentary unstability but the the heart wants what it wants, you have always listened to your heart and did what you wanted to, so even after getting married, your wishes will find a way and even if the one you d be marrying doesn't take your dreams seriously, you would. :)

    Another piece of a beautiful, honest, straight from the heart write-up.

    1. Akanksha, may be it's just a phase. I am sure it will pass soon. :) You haven't updated your blog for long! Kuch likho, tum bhi. :)